My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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