I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
