I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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