so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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