I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
