there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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