We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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