I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
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You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
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My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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