You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
