In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Can you bring me the toilet please
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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