does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
are you so shy because you have an std?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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