Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
