Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
