I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
