Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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