thus making me awesome and them whores
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
