Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
