i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i dont even know how to be here
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
