Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
