These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
