Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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