You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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