He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
