She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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