in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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