Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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