For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
