you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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