my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
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She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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