Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
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Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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