I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
