atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Houston, we have a blender
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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