He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
