TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
50% drunk capacity currently
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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