quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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