my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
