I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
