I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
