im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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