my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
