You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
