Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
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We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
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When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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