why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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