How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
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You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
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She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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