I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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