Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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