Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
