We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
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Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
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Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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