It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
