I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
