Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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