I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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