Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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