Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he thought i was a dude.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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