Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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