I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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